Trojan Condoms Button
$4.99
via (Amazon)

Avoid late night trips to the gas station with Amazon’s new Trojan Condoms Dash Button. Safe sex is just a click away.

Donald Trump Toilet Paper
$14.95
via (Amazon)

Dump with Trump and wipe the smirk off his face!

Sponsored By:
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.Ron Swanson
Pet Rock w/ Bonus Leash
$12.00
via (Amazon)

No feeding,no whining,no bathing,no stains ,no odors ,no stains ,no vet bills no problem.

Self-Watering Animal Planter
$9.99
via (Amazon)

For people who want plants, but don’t want to take care of plants. Just attach to a glass of water and they will take care of themselves, it doesn’t matter how forgetful and terrible you are!

Centaur Hand Puppet
$13.29
via (Amazon)

Let the imagination frolic free and wild with this Majestic Handitaur Hand Puppet.

Alien Next Door Book
$9.90
via (Amazon)

See a new, caring side to the legendary science fiction monster as he tends to Jonesy the cat.

Impaled Zombie Pen Holder
$12.97
via (Amazon)

Cast in quality designer resin and hand-painted to play up the gory flesh-eating, hues that wreck havoc with the undead

Thug Kitchen Cookbook
$13.74
via (Amazon)

This foul-mouthed read cuts right to the chase by showing you how to cook healthy and simple plates from scratch without wasting time.

Missing Body Parts Candy
$13.91
via (Amazon)

Stock up on missing body parts candy for your The Walking Dead season premier party in a few months!

Sponsored By:
Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.Ron Swanson
Emoji Poop Pillow
$4.99
via (Amazon)

This emoji poop pillow is too stinkin’ cute.

Don’t Fuck Up The Table Coasters
$15
via (Etsy)

“Respect the wood” – Instructions unclear… I fucked up the table.

Snail Measuring Tape
$3
via (Amazon)

They might not be fast, but they are accurate in both centimeters and inches.

Kitty Sticky Notes
$12.83
via (Amazon)

Cute sticky notes/flags. Available as kitty cat pack, puppy dog pack, and bear pack.

Periodic Table Soap
$7.50
via (Amazon)

Periodic Table Soaps. The Radioactive elements actually glow in the dark!

Middle Class Problems Book
$7.58
via (Amazon)

Real problems, but not real actual problems, just middle class ones. A book full of tragic inconveniences.

Effing Soap
$12.19
via (Firebox)

A fragrant reminder to start every morning with a F*CK

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