Trojan Condoms Button
via (Amazon)

Avoid late night trips to the gas station with Amazon’s new Trojan Condoms Dash Button. Safe sex is just a click away.

Donald Trump Toilet Paper
via (Amazon)

Dump with Trump and wipe the smirk off his face!

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Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.Ron Swanson
Pet Rock w/ Bonus Leash
via (Amazon)

No feeding,no whining,no bathing,no stains ,no odors ,no stains ,no vet bills no problem.

Self-Watering Animal Planter
via (Amazon)

For people who want plants, but don’t want to take care of plants. Just attach to a glass of water and they will take care of themselves, it doesn’t matter how forgetful and terrible you are!

Centaur Hand Puppet
via (Amazon)

Let the imagination frolic free and wild with this Majestic Handitaur Hand Puppet.

Alien Next Door Book
via (Amazon)

See a new, caring side to the legendary science fiction monster as he tends to Jonesy the cat.

Impaled Zombie Pen Holder
via (Amazon)

Cast in quality designer resin and hand-painted to play up the gory flesh-eating, hues that wreck havoc with the undead

Thug Kitchen Cookbook
via (Amazon)

This foul-mouthed read cuts right to the chase by showing you how to cook healthy and simple plates from scratch without wasting time.

Missing Body Parts Candy
via (Amazon)

Stock up on missing body parts candy for your The Walking Dead season premier party in a few months!

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The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.Ron Swanson
Emoji Poop Pillow
via (Amazon)

This emoji poop pillow is too stinkin’ cute.

Don’t Fuck Up The Table Coasters
via (Etsy)

“Respect the wood” – Instructions unclear… I fucked up the table.

Snail Measuring Tape
via (Amazon)

They might not be fast, but they are accurate in both centimeters and inches.

Kitty Sticky Notes
via (Amazon)

Cute sticky notes/flags. Available as kitty cat pack, puppy dog pack, and bear pack.

Periodic Table Soap
via (Amazon)

Periodic Table Soaps. The Radioactive elements actually glow in the dark!

Middle Class Problems Book
via (Amazon)

Real problems, but not real actual problems, just middle class ones. A book full of tragic inconveniences.

Effing Soap
via (Firebox)

A fragrant reminder to start every morning with a F*CK

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